biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
tonight lets celebrate not being married
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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