i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
