You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
