A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
