what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Randomize
