You really coming over, don't trick.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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