I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Randomize
