We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i just had sex bonerless
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Randomize
