i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
