just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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