Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
