Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
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