No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
