Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Randomize
