Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
