life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
worst night to have a conscience
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
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