if you like me you must not know who I am
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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