i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
