Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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