Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
