I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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