My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
