Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
