I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
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Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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