Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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