epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
