Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
