I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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