just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
