Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
