i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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