I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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