shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
