I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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