Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
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