you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Farmville is her only friend.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
