Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
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