I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
