I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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