I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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