I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
