# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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