I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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