So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Randomize
