Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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