Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
