I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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