theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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