I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Randomize
