Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
