Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
he thought i was a dude.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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