So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
