I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
