why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
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