i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
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