It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
