I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
