I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
