I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Randomize
