Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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